Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
