So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
