You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
