I just pynch a tree in the face
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
