I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
