So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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