so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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