I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
