he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
