it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
