My first STD was from a foam party
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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