Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
