I'm lost and stupid without you.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
