I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
