now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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