i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
