So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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