the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
