Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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