he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
