Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
