I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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