WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
