i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
