I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize