My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
