thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
