I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
