I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
What a dumb baby whore.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
wow bdsm is so cute
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
