Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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