i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
