If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
