you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I need a beard to bite.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
