1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
