Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
