Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
