peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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