So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I fill condoms, not promises.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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