I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
