Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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