After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
