Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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