y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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