Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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