You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
