Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
