i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
