Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
