Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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