I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My penis needs a shock collar
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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