Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
