I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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