Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
