HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
