he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So many bounce houses so little time
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
